The best friend we never met

By Alan Todd

Beecher has all their phone numbers, because they show up on the text string. But she hasn't called any of them.
She did text back once or twice to tell this group of — I'm guessing — mostly women, that she is on their text string by accident.
There was no reply. Only more texts.
The first text was a declaration of joy, accompanied by a picture of the sonogram. Misti, you see, was pregnant and was sharing every detail with her BFF group — which mistakenly includes Beecher.
No one on the string knew the sex of the child.
Then came the baby shower pictures. A lot of "OMGs"  and the like. There was a picture attached, Misti and three other women who, at best guess, two of whom are Misti's sisters and the fourth her mother. Misti looked radiant in her purple maternity dress, long flowing blonde hair and three-inch heels.
Where else but in East Texas do you wear heels like that while being eight months pregnant?
Somebody's daughter is a model for Adidas. The daughter's picture is texted out to the group with a note: "Hahaha! Yep. We say hi to her every time we're in Academy."
That would be Academy, the sporting goods store. I'm guessing the daughter's image adorns lots of Adidas posters in Academy.
Good news arrives! The baby is born. She comes in at 7 pounds, 10 ounces.
Whit won the pool. His guess was 7 pounds, 12 ounces.
Beecher texts the group and asks to be taken off the string, now that the baby has been born.
No reply.
Someone texts that the doctors had been guessing the baby would be over 8 pounds. "That seems to always happen," someone chimes in. "I have never known the doctors to be right ever. You just can't really tell."
The guessing doesn't end on the text line, however, even though the weight has been revealed.
"I would guess 7 pounds, 2 ounces," one texts. Another weighs in. "My guess? I don't really have a clue. He looks like he has a big head."
Someone chirps, "She just said Whit won."
This brings the guessing to an end, though up here in Colorado we're especially curious to see this over-sized head.
And….here it comes….a text of the baby in the maternity ward. Its head doesn't look that big.
So far the baby has been referred to as being a boy and a girl, so we were hoping for a name to clear it up, like Pat or Chris or something.
A little travel news. Someone in the group just landed at a destination, but hadn't had time to send any pictures. It wasn't a good day anyway.
"Going good," the traveler texted. "No pics. Jason called me when I landed and said he wanted a divorce."
A fellow texter suggested she just stay where she landed. "Are you serious?? I'm sorry. Move there lol."
All in all, Misti and the androgynous baby were home, resting and well. The two were in one of the most recent texts, resting on a lazy chair. "Getting me some sweet baby loving today!!" Misti texted.
I found Misti on social media. It's unmistakably her, because the same photos that were texted to Beecher are on Misti's social media pages. She has a beautiful home, with a magnificent swimming pool and a ton of friends on her pages. Surprisingly, the BFF text pool is only a handful of close friends and, of course, a BFF in Colorado whom she hasn't met.
In 18 years, we fully expect to get an invitation to a graduation ceremony.

Be careful in the high country this summer. That cylindrical-looking flower you're reaching for may blow up.
The Colorado Department of Transportation said it shot 630 explosives this winter from its "ava-launcher" in the San Juan Mountain region in attempts to trigger avalanches, and 13 didn't explode.
According to The Denver Post, CDOT spokeswoman Lisa Schwantes said most were in rugged, remote places not accessed by the average hiker.
So, if you're an un-average hiker, pay heed to CDOT's advice, which is simple: if you come across an unexploded bomb, you should stay away.

Ah, a 450-page Mueller Report finally hits the newsstands, so to speak, and for all the money and time spent, the best two words in the report were easy to find: The End.

Left off my list of people to thank a few weeks ago in my opening farewell to the Plaindealer were the columnists you've enjoyed on page five. Tom Magstadt, Erin Stadelman, Karen Risch, Mark Johnson, Dr. Abigail Seaver, Alice Billings and Robin Meiklejohn all offered their expertise and individual voices to our pages. There were several other spot contributors, as well. Thank you all.