Usually police blotters are pretty "Joe Friday" in their reporting: just the facts, ma'am.
But the activity blotter dated Sept. 28 from the Montrose County Sheriff's Office gave great detail of terror and bravery in a Montrose residence. It read like this:
0955 Hours: Deputy was dispatched to a report of a snake in a house in the 1000 Block 6435 Road.
"On 09/27/18, at approximately 0955 hrs., I responded to a report of a snake inside the residence. Upon arriving, I met with the reporting party.
She walked me to a back bedroom of the residence and pointed to the closet door in the room, where the bottom of the door met the floor. I observed a dark green "scaly" back protruding from underneath the closet door. After showing me the apparent serpent that had found its way inside her residence, she fled the room and returned to the front of the residence.
Fighting off my unreasonable aversion to snakes, I began evaluating my next rational move to rid the residence of this unwanted visitor. Despite my elevated heart rate, I was able to proceed without suggesting to the resident that she should just move out of her residence.
After careful and tactical maneuvering to contain the snake, I found the snake was actually a small three-inch toy anteater that was carefully manufactured to show a distinct scale-like body. I removed the toy from underneath the door and showed her what I found, providing both of us with equal amounts of relief and laughter.
After my heart rate returned to a normal rhythm and I was safe to drive, I cleared without further issue."
Meanwhile, in the never-ending search for Colorado Republican gubernatorial candidate Walker Stapleton, the Colorado Democratic Party now says Stapleton's vehicle has not occupied his parking spot at the state capitol for 28 days now. In the other camp, the Colorado GOP issued a statement proclaiming Colorado Democrat gubernatorial candidate Jared Polis the "quintessential leftist."
Who knew politics could be so downright dirty?
Snow tires on? Check.
Windshield washer fluid filled? Check.
Sand bags in the back of the pickup? Check.
Snowblower in good working order? Check.
OK, all ready for a long, protracted Indian Summer.
Alan Todd is co-publisher of the Ouray County Plaindealer. He can be reached at firstname.lastname@example.org.